My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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