:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
