He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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