he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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