I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
