I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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