when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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