awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
