there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
