I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
