I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
