Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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