He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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