can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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