I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
