can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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