he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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