How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
