I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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