One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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