I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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