My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
