i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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