I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
