I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
