totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
