you're like a bully in the Christmas story
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
