ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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