So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
