let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
