Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
