I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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