I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I pour the whiskey from now on
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
