he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
