my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
