My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
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