I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
