How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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