Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
