you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
