Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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