He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
