i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
