just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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