She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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