I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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