I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
