So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
