She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
