I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
