He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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