Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
