Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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